


After It Happens

by RiverRayne



Category: Gravitation
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-18
Updated: 2013-08-18
Packaged: 2017-12-23 21:43:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/931408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiverRayne/pseuds/RiverRayne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shuichi thinks about his life before and after the rape, realizing that nothing will ever be the same. Can Yuki show him that something will never change, no matter what? My version of events after the Aizawa incident (because come on, I can't be the only one dissatisfied with how canon did this).</p>
            </blockquote>





	After It Happens

After it happens, you're never the same.

Oh sure, you may talk the same, walk the same (if you're lucky), and maybe even act like your old self.  But in reality, that's all it is.  An act.  A pretty little song and dance so people won't ask questions.  In reality, who you are now is the complete and polar opposite of your old self.

After it happens, the world is an entirely different place. 

You feel like everywhere you go, people are looking down on you, seeing right through you, as if they already _know_.  They know you've been ruined.  They know you're damaged goods.  And they know it's completely your own fault.

After it happens, you fear every touch.

Even the briefest moment of skin on skin contact makes your very being tremble in terror.  The slightest brush of fingers against flesh makes your whole body shudder in disgust.  You isolate yourself from any physical contact.  For you, touch brings only pain.

After it happens, you never feel clean again. 

You wish you could just crawl out of your skin, because even if you spend hours in the bath, just scrubbing and scrubbing until your skin is raw, you can still _feel_ them.  Their hot breath on your skin.  Their rough hands all over your body.  And the worst part...you can still feel them _inside_ you.

After it happens, you start to believe everything they said.

You hear their words over and over again in your head, like a song set on repeat.  You're worthless.  You're nothing.  No one will ever want you.  No one will ever love you.  _You asked for this_.  And eventually, you begin to realize that they're right.

After it happens, you never, _ever_ , want anyone to find out.

But inevitably, someone does.

And equally inevitable is that eventually, that someone will tell the person you most wanted to keep it from.

* * *

 

I sat on Hiro's bed, still unable to make eye contact with him.  After he had found me sitting outside his apartment building in the pouring rain, I should have known there would be no way to get out of telling him what happened.  What that Aizawa bastard had done to me...no, what I _let_ him do to me. 

At least I had been able to escape to a three-hour-long bath right after I told him, and after that I had been so exhausted that I slept straight through the rest of the night and most of the next day until I woke up at around six in the evening.  But now I had nowhere to escape, nowhere to run, and no way to avoid what would inevitably come next. 

I fidgeted with anxiety, wincing as the movement shifted some of the more...tender areas of my body.  What would I do if Hiro rejected me?  What would I do if he said he was disgusted with me and told me he never wanted to see me again?  I already knew I could never see Yuki again after what happened, and I didn't think I could bear to lose Hiro too! 

Finally, I heard Hiro say softly, “Shuichi, look at me.” I looked up at Hiro's face and was shocked at what I saw there.  There was no disgust, no scorn, no condemnation.  There was only kindness and sorrow.  There was so much sorrow in his eyes that it almost made me start bawling all over again.  “Shuichi, you know that it isn't your fault, right?  You know that you didn't do anything wrong, right?”

I just looked at him and shook my head.  I didn't have the energy to argue with him, to explain it to him.  Of course it was my fault.  _I'm_ the one that trusted Aizawa.  _I'm_ the one who put Yuki in danger.  And _I'm_ the one that let those...men touch me.  I didn't fight back.  I didn't resist.  I just let them do what they wanted.  So who's fault was it, if not mine?

Hiro sighed, realizing he wasn't going to get a straight answer from me, so he changed his approach.  “So, what are you going to do now, Shuichi?”

Dammit.  That was just like Hiro.  He had to voice the question I had been asking myself over and over, since I first showed up outside his apartment, and still had no answer to.  “I really don't know, Hiro.  With those pictures Aizawa took floating around, I obviously can't sing for Bad Luck anymore, and I can't go back home without Mom, Dad, and Maiko wanting some kind of explanation...” I trailed off, not able to look Hiro in the eye as I made my completely unreasonable request.  “Hiro, do you think that maybe...I could stay with you for a little while?  Just until I get a job and get back on my feet.”

Hiro looked a bit surprised, but he didn't hesitate in his response.  “Of course you can stay with me, Shuichi.  You don't even have to ask.  Only...” he trailed off, looking a bit hesitant, before he continued, “What about Yuki-san?”

I felt a sharp pain in my heart when Hiro said his name.  I loved him.  Of course I loved him! Why else would I have let Aizawa do that to me?  I would always love him! Even though he didn't love me.  Even though I could never see him again.  Even though I could never, _ever_ , let him find out what happened, I still loved him.

“Yuki...doesn't need to know anything about this.  He threw me out before any of this happened, so it has nothing to do with him.  Yuki and I...we're done.”

“ _Baka_ (1)!  I'll say when we're done!”  My eyes widened in horror.  That voice...I'd know that voice anywhere. It was like heavenly music to my ears.  But no, it couldn't be.  It just couldn't be him.  I must have been imagining things.  And yet, when I looked up, there he was, standing in the doorway of Hiro's apartment.  My golden-haired, golden-eyed, chain smoking angel.  The sight of him made my heart ache with love, and at the same time filled me with dread.

I looked over at Hiro, who wore a guilty expression on his face.  “Hiro...please tell me...you didn't...”

“I'm sorry, Shuichi.  I went to see Yuki-san while you were asleep, and I...told him everything.”

I just stared at him, horror struck, as the full meaning of his words struck home.  Yuki knew.  He knew everything.  He knew what I had let those men do to me.  How I had let them touch me, violate me, ruin me.  He knew.

I curled my knees up to my chest, and buried my face in them, unable to look at either of the men in the room.  I wished right then and there that Aizawa had killed me when he had finished with me.  At least then I wouldn't have to live with the knowledge that Yuki knew just how disgusting I was.

I heard Yuki push himself away from the wall and walk into the room.  “Nakano, would you kindly get the hell out so I can have a moment alone with Shuichi?”

I heard Hiro mutter something about how he'd be damned if he let some rude bastard kick him out of his own apartment, but in the end, I heard him stand up and leave, closing the door behind him.

I heard Yuki walk over to me, and I felt him standing directly in front of me, but I still refused to lift my head and look at him.  That is, until I heard those softly spoken words.  “Brat, lift up your head and look at me.”

Even though the words themselves were harsh, the tone was so gentle that I had to obey.  As I reluctantly lifted my head, I saw that Yuki was kneeling in front of where I sat on the bed, his eyes staring intensely into mine.  “Shuichi...” he said softly, reaching up to put his hand on my cheek.

I cringed away from his touch, tears welling up in my eyes.  “Please, Yuki.  Don't.  Just don't.”

Yuki looked at me with hurt and slightly angry eyes.  “Why?  Why won't you let me touch you?  I'm not going to hurt you.”

I tried to keep my voice steady, willing the tears not to fall.  “I know you wouldn't, Yuki.  But you broke up with me.  And even if you hadn't you couldn't possibly still want me, knowing what happened, and I don't want your pity.”

Yuki stood up, barely suppressed anger in his voice as he said, “ _Baka_!  You really think that just because that son of a bitch Aizawa did that to you, I wouldn't want you anymore?”

I shrank back from his shouting voice, and when he noticed, he visibly tried to calm himself down.  “I only broke up with you in the first place because I was trying to protect you. If the media had gotten a hold of our relationship...well, to say there would have been a scandal is an understatement.  I know what bad publicity can do to a career, and I also know how much singing means to you.  I didn't want you to lose that because of me.”

I looked up at him shock, hardly believing what I was hearing.  Yuki had broken up with me...to protect me?  He cared that much about me?  Well, he _had_ cared that much about me.

I felt the tears I had been working so hard to suppress finally spill over and begin running down my cheeks.  “But Yuki, how can you possibly still care about me?  How can you possibly ever stand to look at me, to touch me again, knowing what I let those men do to me?”

Yuki knelt back down so that his face was level with mine.  “Shuichi, you didn't _let_ those men do anything.  They took something from you that they had no right to take, and that is _not your fault._ ”

“How do you know that?!” I cried, almost sobbing by that point.  “How do you know it wasn't my fault?  I didn't fight back, I didn't scream, I didn't do anything!  I just let them do that to me!  How can you say it wasn't my fault?”

Yuki just looked at me seriously.  “Because you said no.  You told them you didn't want it.  Anything that happened after that is their fault, not yours,” A small smirk crept onto his face.  “You were trying to protect me, that's why you didn't fight back.  Even though I treated you like dirt, you still tried to protect me.  Knowing that, how could I give you up, Brat?”

I just looked at him, tears still streaming down my face, still unsure that this was all really happening.  “Yuki, this whole thing, it's changed me.  I'll never be the old Shuichi, your Shuichi, again.  Are you sure you still want me knowing that?”

Yuki pulled me into a hug so suddenly that I fell off the bed, knocking us both onto the floor.  Yuki rolled us over so that I was lying on my back on the floor, with him hovering over top of me.  He gently stroked my cheek with the back of his hand.  “ _Baka_! There is no 'old Shuichi' or 'new Shuichi'.  There is only my Shuichi.  My _baka_.  My brat.  No matter how you look at it, you are mine, and nothing, _nothing_ , will ever change that.”

I threw my arms around his neck and clung to him, sobbing.  I felt his strong arms wrap around me, and, even though I thought I'd never feel this way again, I felt safe.  Safe, and loved.

* * *

 

After it happens, you'll feel like you will never be safe, never be loved, again

But, in time, that one person will come along.  The one whose touch you won't cringe away from.  The one who will finally convince you it's not your fault.  The one who will hold you and keep you safe.  The one who will tell you, and make you truly believe, that you are loved.

**Author's Note:**

> (1) Baka - Japanese term generally used to mean idiot.


End file.
